October 22nd, 2009
April 23rd, 2009
Cough syrup is eww.
February 3rd, 2009
January 18th, 2009
I was driving on the freeway again. This time in a sweet ass van(like the one from the A-team). I was trying to find our exit but i got lost. Then I got seperated from my friends. i was wandering this oddly placed apaprtment complex that had a street in the middle with a row of houses in it. One of the houses was lit up the others shrouded in shadows. The lit up house glowed like a beacon(i made note of the obvious cliche). It was her house. I knocked on the door and her dad answered "come in. its beens a while. want something to drink?" i answered "no thanks" but i walked in anyways. The house was quiet. He told me that she was still asleep and that her mom went out shopping. He then said that he had to go buy some smokes. So i was left alone with her.... something happens and shes awake... she's happy to see me. We hug. We start talking a lot and watch tv together. Something happens and she's in my arms, on my lap. She startes asking me hard questions "what did you see in me?" Why did you love me?" i started to answer but she asked me another question "When was the last time you had a lot of sex?" i started to respond with "last time it was with you" but something clicked in me....suddenly i realized i wasn't really there...i was just in some weird ass neighborhood. A pile of broken boxes beneath me. Like some unseen force pulled me from her grasp and tossed me to safety. I walked around asking where I was but no one would look at me. I found myself getting colder and colder...blocks of ice protruded from my arms as I started to become an icicle. I caught a glimpse of fire walk by and tried to ask for help but the fire turned out to be some redhead who just laughed at me. I stood there in frozen...at the mercy of my mind's creatures. A solitary light cast down on me and suddenly everyone was aware of my presence. Helpless, i closed my eyes as I waited for it to end. Something warm and soft gripped my shoulder. I opened them to see someone I've never met before standing in front of me. Her smile radiated through me and gave me strenght. Her words were like a waterfall of honey. I was unfrozen and blazing. She spread her only demonic wing and the surrounding creatures erupted in blaze. She looked up to me and said something I couldnt quite make out. I wanted to embrace my saviour but she vanished. I wake up...i'm not in my place. I'm still @ Hers. She's looking at me intently. Then her gaze looks down towards the bulge in her belly. She's pregnant. But its not mine she says. Its hers and her husband's. I realize that I'm in shackles...the room no longer a room but a desert...her laughter is all i hear...
i wake up. Its 735am i get up and go for a jog. I get to the end of the block before i realized that i'm not wearing a shirt.
January 13th, 2009
I felt as if nothing had changed yet it was still there. A nagging reminder in the back of my head. A buzzing annoyance near my ear. We drove, we talked, we shopped around for shoes. Every inch of my conscious self screaming while basked in a light of pseudo happiness.I ignored the wailing voice screaming to wake up and asked her if she wanted to try on the Chuck's. She let loose a giggle as I tied her laces and the voice inside me grew silent. Even then I knew that this was all a dream. I wake up. Its 2:15am. My arm is numb. I ignore it and fall back to sleep.
We're on the freeway now. She's singing along with me to some Weezer. I pull into a plaza and we start talking. She gets mad and disappears. No voice inside of me but again I realize its another dream, I wake up. Its 3:37am. My hands feel frozen. I use some socks as gloves and go back to sleep.
I'm in a diner now. Alone. I stare at my stack of pancakes as time rapidly fades away. I see someone who looks like her coming my way from across the street. Its just after sunset but I can see that she has short hair, light skinned and amazing eyes. Thoughts of Mel creep in my head and I can hear her voice in me "I'm sending you a clone so you can learn to deal with the loss. You might hate me for it. But be nice to her." My subconscious self kicks in. I feel something heavy in my pocket. A hoarse voice whispers "The safety is off."
She sits across from me.
"Hi. I'm Mell. Nice to meet you."
I smile at her as my hand raises to my temple.
I pull the trigger.
I wake up.
December 20th, 2008
d e s p a i r ."
I dreamt last night. In it, I was a terrorist of sorts. Though it seemed that my targets were not capitalist superpowers but rather women I knew and didnt know. I realized that I've become a sort of person that hurts women's feeling without regard to their well being. Without remorse. I dreamt that I was fnally in shape and had become friends with egomaniacs that I met in the gym. Misogynists in nature and fiends in spirit. I found that the process to which i alluded to previously had become complete. It felt like I had become a complete alien of my current self. I no longer cared to embrace my anima(the warmer aspects of my being). As my world seemed to have gone grey, black and white. She came.
Melissa showed up.
She was in the best shape I'd ever seen her. Wearing the clothes she wore when we first met(jean skirt and a blue top). She hugged me from behind. I was paralyzed. she gently sat me on my chair and bent herself across my lap and asked me..."what have you become, oso? Did i cause this for you?" i could see tears in the corners of her eyes and I felt tears in my face. My heart split in two and exploded into a myriad of fragments. I asked her "cant you just come back? cant you just leave who you're with?" She shook her head. "no, please dont be this way you can..." i couldn't take it, couldnt bear to hear her anymore. To feel her warmth against the frozen tundra that had become my soul. I just couldn't bear it. I woke up before she finished her sentence. Cold, half naked and alone. I forced myself to smile, I washed my face and brush them teeth. Even now, I could still feel her on my lap. I want to cry. But crying alone is incredibly, infinitely more painful than when you cry on someone's shoulder.
I need a shoulder.
December 14th, 2008
What should I do?
I do not want to walk down this path.
But I can feel it... pulling me torwards it...I can feel how every inch of my being is becoming it.
December 11th, 2008
Not bad @ 20 bucks though I wonder how durable it'll be. Also, this weekend is Unique LA December 13th & 14th, 11 am – 7 pm @ the California Market Center (Penthouse), Downtown Los Angeles (Map It)
110 East 9th Street, Los Angeles, CA. It costs 5 bucks to get in but if you buy your tickets now half of that fee goes to a "CREATE NOW, a local arts-based charity for high-risk youth". So if you live in the county of LA (or nearby) COME! In fact, come with ME since shopping alone is never fun.
Anyways, I'm pretty much done with all my classes for this semester. Just gotta do 3 more finals and thats it. College is pretty easy. I wish I had never put it off. Anyways, I'm off on a food run. Take care everyone!
December 3rd, 2008
No se donde empesar. Part of me wants to know more about you. Know more about what makes us so much a like. But the other part of me just wants to push you away. I've never met anyone like you before and it kind of scares me. I'm being brutally honest here so please don't use this against me. I hope we can get to know each other... if you want. Cuidate.
November 25th, 2008
i got an A+ on my last math test. turns out factoring rational equations is the easiest thing in algebra than 2x+14=28. Fuck, i want to skip ahead to stats or Calculus. school is ok. just bored as fuck. i need something that stimulates me. something that'll get me thinking. NOthing so far has done it yet. Im taking english 101 and astronomy for winter session. for the spring i think i'll sign up for VCAP(15 units per semester). Maybe i can get all my required units by winter of next year. That would be awesome. i would so save up for a year and just bail the fuck out somewhere. fuck Germany, fuck new york. im going to Japan for my university years.
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Theres only one person who can read what i wrote above and she doesnt even read my livejournal. oh well. guess no one will ever know.
i want to kill some fucking zombies now so badly. guess i'll write more later once i've calmed down some.