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October 22nd, 2009

oh geez

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jesus titty fucking christ, my entries are so goddamn depressing. boo fucking hoo chi, grow the fuck up and move on. you'll find someone new or someone will find you. who knows? maybe today will be the day or maybe in 50 years. fuck it. live your life the way you want to live when you want to live it. you dont need someone to make your life complete. you just need your confidence, your charisma, your rugged good looks and your fucking intelligence. now go out there and make the world your bitch.


got it?

April 23rd, 2009

Arrrrr

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 Its been a long time since I've written anything on here. I think things are going ok with school and work. Just getting closer to AX and getting more serious about taking care of loose ends. This is my final year as a main events staffer. Its also my 5th year so I might get a cool shirt or jacket. I want to write more but lately I've been using all of my creativity for poetry. Ive got a notebook full of scribbles and poems and lines and stuff. all over the place really. Even in the margins and the corners. The spaces people usually don't bother with. I lay claim to those and safeguard my passages  within them. Though time may heal all those broken hearts we are still left with the stains of the mess those heart breakers left. They're not called scars for nothing. Some are big and some are tiny but each is an imprint of something that was once there. A gentle reminder, a scathing memo, a tear drawn from the eyes against a windy day. All bitter memories with joyous centers... like cherry flavored cough syrup.

Cough syrup is  eww.

February 3rd, 2009

Oscura Salvacion

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 I have had enough. I've lost enough sleep tehse past few weeks. My skin has gottena lot paler and my anxiety attacks are occuring almost every day. Theres just no point anymore. Out of my many associates only 1 person cares for my well being and I've never met her. Though through her kindness and support I've been able to prolong my miserable existence. But each day, each night brings more and more burdens, weights. Not to mention the moral war that my heart is waging with itself. I cannot do this. I'm resigned myself to look for an exit.  One way or another, I'm going to leave this all behind. Its not just about Melissa anymore(though she had a big role in it)... its just too painful to be alive these days. Too lonely  I suppose... I dunno how to descrive it and just thinking about it makes my chest feel heavy. I don't want to live anymore. I'm not being emo. I'm being honest. I can't bear this pain in my chest. Its like a million pieces of shattered glass gnawing their way through my ventricles.Each piece a memory of my past. Each piece a painful reminder of what Life was like. Each piece a nail on my coffin. I don't want to be here anymore. I really don't.

January 18th, 2009

Twisted in Gloom

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 I    w a n d e r e d    l o s t    i n    t h e    v a s t    e x p a n s e    o f   m y    d i s s a p o i n t e d    m i n d .    E a c h    d a y    a    p a s s i n g    y e a r . . . i    w i s h    i    h a d    a n    e s c a p e .



I was driving on the freeway again. This time in  a sweet ass van(like the one from the A-team).  I was trying to find our exit but i got lost. Then I got seperated from my friends. i was wandering this oddly placed apaprtment complex that had a street in the middle with a row of houses in it. One of the houses was lit up the others shrouded in shadows. The lit up house glowed like a beacon(i made note of the obvious cliche). It was her house. I knocked on the door and her dad answered "come in. its beens a while. want something to drink?" i answered "no thanks" but i walked in anyways. The house was quiet. He told me that she was still asleep and that her mom went out shopping. He then said that he had to go buy some smokes. So i was left alone with her.... something happens and shes awake... she's happy to see me. We hug.  We start talking a lot and watch tv together. Something happens and she's in my arms, on my lap. She startes asking me hard questions "what did you see in me?" Why did you love me?" i started to answer but she asked me another question "When was the last time you had a lot of sex?" i started to respond with "last time it was with you" but something clicked in me....suddenly i realized i wasn't really there...i was just in some weird ass neighborhood. A pile of broken boxes beneath me. Like some unseen force pulled me from her grasp and tossed me to safety.   I walked around asking where I was but no one would look at me. I found myself getting colder and colder...blocks of ice protruded from my arms as I started to become an icicle. I caught a glimpse of fire walk by and tried to ask for help but the fire turned out to be some redhead who just laughed at me. I stood there in frozen...at the mercy of my mind's creatures. A solitary light cast down on me and suddenly everyone was aware of my presence. Helpless, i closed my eyes as I waited for it to end. Something warm and  soft gripped my shoulder. I opened them to see someone I've never met before standing in front of me. Her smile radiated through me and gave me strenght. Her words were like a waterfall of honey. I was unfrozen and blazing. She spread her only demonic wing and the surrounding creatures erupted in  blaze. She looked up to me and said something I couldnt quite make out. I wanted to embrace my saviour but she vanished. I wake up...i'm not in my place. I'm still @ Hers. She's looking at me intently. Then her gaze looks down towards the bulge in her belly. She's pregnant. But its not mine she says. Its hers and her husband's. I realize that I'm in shackles...the room no longer a room but a desert...her laughter is all i hear...

i wake up. Its 735am i get up and go for a jog. I get to the end of the block before i realized that i'm not wearing a shirt.

January 13th, 2009

Ruined by the Gloom

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 "D e f e a t e d ,     a l o n e . . .   I    w a n d e r   a b o u t    t h e    b l e a k    w o r l d .    S e a r c h i n g . . ."


I felt as if nothing had changed yet it was still there. A nagging  reminder in the back of my head. A buzzing annoyance near my ear. We drove, we talked, we shopped around for shoes. Every inch of my conscious self screaming while basked in a light of pseudo happiness.I ignored the wailing voice screaming to wake up and asked her if she wanted to try on the Chuck's. She let loose a giggle as I tied her laces and the voice inside me grew silent. Even then I knew that this was all a dream. I wake up. Its 2:15am. My arm is numb. I ignore  it and fall back to sleep.

We're on the freeway now. She's singing along with me to some Weezer. I pull into a plaza and we start talking. She gets mad and disappears. No voice inside of me but again I realize its another dream, I wake up. Its 3:37am. My hands feel frozen. I use some socks as gloves and go back to sleep.


I'm in a diner now. Alone. I stare at my stack of pancakes as time rapidly fades away. I see someone who looks like her coming my way from across the street. Its just after sunset but I can see that she has short hair, light skinned and amazing eyes. Thoughts of Mel creep in my head and I can hear her voice in me "I'm sending you a clone so you can learn to deal with the loss. You might hate me for it. But be nice to her." My subconscious self kicks in. I feel something heavy in my pocket. A hoarse voice whispers "The safety is off."  

She sits across from me.

"Hi. I'm Mell. Nice to meet you."

I smile at her as my hand raises to my temple.

"..."


I pull the trigger. 

I wake up.

December 20th, 2008

Slave to the Gloom

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 "A l l   I ' v e   w o r k e d   f o r  . . .   c r u m b l i n g   i n   m y   h a n d s . . .  s l i p p i n g   t h r o u g h   t h e    c r a c k s . . .   f a l l i n g   i n t o    
d e s p a  i  r ."

I dreamt last night. In it, I was a terrorist of sorts. Though it seemed that my targets were not capitalist superpowers but rather women I knew and didnt know. I realized that I've become a sort of person that hurts women's feeling without regard to their well being. Without remorse. I dreamt that I was fnally in shape and had become friends with egomaniacs that I met in the gym. Misogynists in nature and fiends in spirit. I found that the process to which i alluded to previously had become complete. It felt like I had become a complete alien  of my current self. I no longer cared to embrace my anima(the warmer aspects of my being). As my world seemed to have gone grey, black and white. She came.

Melissa showed up.

She was in the best shape I'd ever seen her. Wearing the clothes she wore when we first met(jean skirt and a blue top). She hugged me from behind. I was paralyzed. she gently sat me on my chair and bent herself across my lap and asked me..."what have you become, oso?  Did i cause this for you?" i could see tears in the corners of her eyes and I felt tears in my face. My heart split in two and exploded into a myriad of fragments. I asked her "cant you just come back? cant you just leave who you're with?" She shook her head. "no, please dont be this way you can..." i couldn't take it, couldnt bear to hear her anymore. To feel her warmth against the frozen tundra that had become my soul. I just couldn't bear it. I woke up before she finished her sentence. Cold, half naked and  alone. I forced myself to smile, I washed my face and brush them teeth. Even now, I could still feel her on my lap. I want to cry. But crying alone is incredibly, infinitely more painful than when you cry on someone's shoulder. 

I need a shoulder.

December 14th, 2008

Help...

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 This is seriously fucking me up. I've been dreaming about her almost nightly now for the past 5-6 nights. Each time, its like we cant keep our hands off each other and each time her new bf comes in. Each time we end up fighting. Each time he's something evil and I'm something else. Except, last night's dream was different.  Me and her bf didnt tear each other to pieces. We were civil. It was odd. I hated it. Something inside of me just wanted to kill him and get it over with. Something unlike me. Something completely unknown to me. Its like, the person I am now is just a mask for the real me. This nice guy persona is just that, an act. I think something inside of me is stirring and it.... it wants blood. It wants violence. It wants to end it all. Its like my anima is finally manifesting its true colors. No longer am I just simply projecting  it. I'm becoming it. And it is pissed the fuck off.

What should I do?

I do not want to walk down this path.

But I can feel it... pulling me torwards it...I can feel how every inch of my being is becoming it.

Slowly...

Save me...

December 11th, 2008

(no subject)

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So, i just bought myself a Hideyasu Moto wallet. Its such an awesome wallet. Here's a link to it. http://poketo.com/shop/archives/530










Not bad @ 20 bucks though I wonder how durable it'll be. Also, this weekend is Unique LA December 13th & 14th, 11 am – 7 pm @ the California Market Center (Penthouse), Downtown Los Angeles (Map It)
110 East 9th Street, Los Angeles, CA. It costs 5 bucks to get in but if you buy your tickets now half of that fee goes to a "CREATE NOW, a local arts-based charity for high-risk youth". So if you live in the county of LA (or nearby) COME! In fact, come with ME since shopping alone is never fun.

Anyways, I'm pretty much done with all my classes for this semester. Just gotta do 3 more finals and thats it. College is pretty easy. I wish I had never put it off. Anyways, I'm off on a food run. Take care everyone!

December 3rd, 2008

bored

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Actually went to class today...felt bored as hell. I'm in class now and I've yet to turn in my pre final(whatever the fuck that is). This is the one class I don't take seriously and only because the instructor never really bothered to teach. I've come to the conclusion that I think I'm going to go for Environmental Engineering. Seems to be the logical choice considering my strengths.

No se donde empesar. Part of me wants to know more about you. Know more about what makes us so much a like. But the other part of me just wants to push you away. I've never met anyone like you before and it kind of scares me. I'm being brutally honest here so please don't use this against me. I hope we can get to know each other... if you want. Cuidate.

November 25th, 2008

Feeling discombobulated

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I've been wanting to write for a while now. I know i said that i'd write more often but i've just been so busy being lazy i forgot. Ugh  its one of those days. Cloudy skies but no rain. Makes me feel like i've been ripped off somehow. I want it to rain. I love the rain. i want to go out there and fucking shower in the rain. but its just a bunch of clouds. fucking false advertising. all weathermen should be held accountable for their misinterpretations.

i got an A+ on my last math test. turns out factoring rational equations is the easiest thing in algebra than 2x+14=28. Fuck, i want to skip ahead to stats or Calculus. school is ok. just bored as fuck. i need something that stimulates me. something that'll get me thinking. NOthing so far has done it yet. Im taking english 101 and astronomy for winter session.  for the spring i think i'll sign up for VCAP(15 units per semester). Maybe i can get all my required units by winter of next year. That would be awesome. i would so save up for a year and just bail the fuck out somewhere. fuck Germany, fuck new york. im going to Japan for my university years.


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 Theres only one person who can read what i wrote above and she doesnt even read my livejournal. oh well. guess no one will ever know.
i want to kill some fucking zombies now so badly. guess i'll write more later once i've calmed down some.
 


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